The buy and sell game on Maine's Craigslist is strong, but this ad from a Portlander looking to unload their scooter takes the game to a whole different level. It's hard for us to pinpoint our favorite lines from it, whether it's the references to Jet Video, Smashmouth or finding an impossible way to mix 90's talk show host Ricki Lake into a 2018 ad for a scooter, this craigslist post literally HAS IT ALL. Don't waste anymore time with our words, and start ingesting this wordsmith's sales pitch.

Here's the full ad:

Have that all too familiar itch to toss some Korean muscle between those celery sticks you call legs? Well, fam, look no further. For a cool eight hundred bones, you'll have the wind in your hair, the bugs in your teeth, and the envy of every person in a 6 million mile radius. Shut those peepers and picture this... You wake up, toss on some Bean slippers and a bathrobe, it's fall, but mahalo Mother Earth, it's an easy peasy 70 degrees. Ash that Jeffrey and flick it, we've got riding to do. The earbuds go in, you chuck on Smashmouth's Astro Lounge, the energy emitted from Old Blue mixed with your desire to get pitted create an absolute Tsunami of vibes so hazy, you'll only find something similar at 1 Industrial Way. It's the cruising season and you've made the A+ decision to shred the concrete gnar on the chillest beast known to man. Back to beeswax. She's a two stroke with sixteen inch wheels, so you'll be blowing scooters off the line with ease if they want to pull up on a homie and flex. She's valued at a little over two hundo more than I'm listing, but I've cheated on her with an absolute stallion seen in one of these photos (not the dog), and I've agreed to help her find a new home. That being said, if you toss me a low ball offer, I will hire either the Jonas Brothers or Ricki Lake to show up and beat your ass. I'll entertain fuego trades only, but don't be surprised if I tell you take that weak ass trash back to where you came from.

"Hey Bro Namath, what's the condition?" Simply Steez, my main squeeze. Just threw a new battery, spark plug (and one for the load), as well as a new fuel pump. Ol' Blue starts up first try and runs like she stole Nicolas Cage's blockbuster hit "The Rock" on VHS from Jet Video. Come check her out if you feel up to the challenge of controlling throttle that can only be compared to the power of Thor's hammer.

Have fun, be young, and drink Moxie, my dudes.

 

ps. Besides Ricki Lake, the Jonas Brothers, Nicolas Cage, Thor's hammer and Moxie all make cameos. If this thing doesn't sell, something isn't right with the world. Stay hazy, baby.