Everyone can enjoy this classic missed connection, except for the person described and probably the author...

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While scouring the Missed Connections section of the Maine Craigslist, I stumbled across this gem titled "Nose Picking Farter".


Here is my detailed breakdown of the author's amazing recap of a series of terrible dates.

The Missed Connection opens with this:

On our first date, you picked your nose while we sat in Books-a-Million chatting. I mean you really got in there and dug around for several seconds.

We'd all by lying if we said we haven't jammed a finger up into our nostril and poked around. But doing so on a first date and leaving it there for anything more than a hot second is a red flag for any man or woman.

The Author continues:

On our second date, which you were over an hour late for, you farted while we ate at Valley Chinese, and farted again inside your vehicle afterwards. 

First big question, how loud were these farts? Valley Chinese is a personal favorite of mine and occasionally the pork fried rice leaves its effect on my body. Regardless, dropping a couple of SBD's on any sort of date early in the courtship is unacceptable. And if they were foghorn farts? Author should have left on the spot. PS, they were an hour late and you hung out at Valley Chinese that long? How many Mai Tai's deep were you?

The Author decides it's time to get some jabs in....

I'm just curious: when you were in relationships with women, were they ok with that sort of thing? You abruptly stopped talking to me because my completely harmless and innocent joke offended you, which is hilarious, but whatever. I just wanted to let you know that your behavior was vastly more offensive than my joke. I should have stopped talking to you after the first date and your nasal expedition, but I was trying to give you a fair chance.

Ok this ad suddenly takes a turn in the Author's favor. I don't know the struggle of dating another dude, but I assume if you can laugh about bad dates after they are over, you're in good shape. On another note, the nose picking farter was the one that cut this "relationship" off?! SERIOUSLY?!

The Author closes on this sick burn:

Anyway. Hope you're well. Maybe Santa will bring you a box of Puffs Plus and a bottle of Beano if you behave better next year.

Mic drop.