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The Hairs of My Chinny Chin Chin

Over the weeked I was a judge for the Facial Hair Fest Week’s Beard and Moustache contest. What a hairy situation! Look for yourself here!

I’m not sure why I was asked to be a part of this years festivities, but it sounded like fun. For the past six years, “The Stache Pag” opened the doors in Portland for public celebrating of facial hair of all kinds. Over the years the event quickly grew larger than the beards! This 7th year things extended to a four day run including the CanAm (Canadian/America) Beard and Moustahce Compeition, which I helped judge.

They didn’t mess around with the points or tabulation either! This event is all fun for sure, but it gets slightly serious too. People want their face to rule all! Where some might laugh and point, these folks smile and proudly show their hair drapped creations. I thought I might be scribbling down names and grades with a Sharpee. No sir! This was some serious s_ _ _. Points for creativity, length, health, placement, complexity. The scoring card was more confusing than an S.A.T! These cats were serious and I dug that.

The event was held at Ocean Gateway event center overlooking the water and it really was a blast. Folks came from all over the northeast to take part in this years acitivites. Facial Hair related vendors, the Traveler Beer Co was there with super tasty brews, a gentlemen was giving proper shaves and groomings to the hairy folks and there was even a ride! A moustche ride?? What?!?

Clever. A moustache thats see-saw. Haaa. Ok then. They even had a “pin the moustache on the hipster” contest!

The competition itself was tough. About 40 fellas presented their facial creations to me and 4 other classy, worthy judges. Heres one of my fellow judges right here. Killer beard right? Damn! ZZ Topin’ it yo!

We saw it all. Big beards, messy beards, curly ‘staches, pencil ones, double decker ones.. it was pretty amazing to be honest. These guys take it seriously. Well, most of them do. I think a couple were blasted already, haa. But hey even the drunk ones had something to be proud of.

I remember one older gentlemen showed us his beard which was one of the most unruly, out of control, massive beards I’d ever seen. Competition or in public. This thing was weathered and prob had more stories than the history channel. It was like he sat on the deck of a commercial fishing boat for 40 straight winters off the coast of Maine. This guy was almost pointless to his body. His beard was the true lifeforce of his person and it looked like it lived for at least 95 years. I asked him if he found any food in it recently to which he instantly replied in a matter of fact way, “why yes, I found a piece of popcorn in it last night”. THATS what I’m talking about. Grow it baby! Let it fly!

One guy presented the “Monkey’s Tail”. As you can see… it starts on one side through the sideburn and swoops down then around into a moustahce. Like a monkey’s tail, leaving the other side clean and clear! This one was pretty damn wild, but also a popular model with fans of the facial hair world. Everyone knew the name of it. It was an excepted style and yet I was like someone who stumbled over Area 51. I was in awe, scared, questioning and confused.

These guys below were two of my favorites. One brought the old school barber shop quartet style ‘stache and he kept it proper like. The other gent had a beard that was so majestic, so full and proud; it was like he had a lion on his face.

I’ll admit, I had some beard envy there this weekend. People always seem to make note of my beard for some reason. I don’t know why. Its nothing to be starting a parade for I don’t think. Not after this past weekend I’ll tell ya that much. I almost felt ashamed for all the kudos and mentions I’ve been given over the years for my personal facial hair fest. Compared to the fellas this weekend, it wasn’t anything but a common growth.

But… It is in fact mine though. Its on my face and how I present it and whats going on with it and within it makes it special and unique. Yeah! Damn right! That being said, you know what… I have the greatest friggin beard known to mankind! BOW TO IT NOW!

Seriously, do it fast cause I’m gonna shave pretty soon.

I think this was the longest or closest to the longest I’d ever grown it. This is from almost maybe a year ago or so.

MC.

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