An Open Letter to Men in Maine: Start Being Polite, Hats Off at the Table

My Fellow Fellas of Maine,

What are we doing? Why are we taking a blowtorch to our perfectly fine reputation? Why are we systematically destroying our proper etiquette?

Your probably wondering what I'm talking about (well, unless you read the story headline, which you probably did). I'm disgusted with this new epidemic of bros keeping their lid on at the table.

Not a meal out goes by where I don't see some clown wearing his hat at the table (this goes for you too, beanie lovers). Where did we go wrong, fellas? Have we simply given up on civility? Are we just perfectly fine to watch the world burn, while flat-brimming our face off at a nice establishment for all to see?

This is unquestionably one of my greatest pet peeves. Why? Because it's so damn easy to TAKE YOUR HAT OFF. It's simple, really. All you have to do is raise your arms, grab your hat, and take it off your head. By doing this, you are acknowledging you believe in manners, chivalry, and respect.

I can already hear some of your obnoxious comebacks for why you wear your hat at a restaurant.

Chris, it's a really nice hat. I paid a lot for it. Someone on  television told me it's stylish.

- Some Bro

That's great, bro. I'm sure Michael Kors is super happy your straight-out-of-1996 Kangol or New Era 59fifty is off the chain. Guess what, you still look like an absolute tool if you are wearing it at the dinner table.

Next objection please.

Chris, I'm bald. I need to wear my hat, because I have no self-confidence.

- Another Bro

Dudes, I used to have the most amazing, full head of hair one could ever have. I used to style it 17 times a day.  Then one day it all left. It's utterly devastating. I wear a hat daily. But, you know where I take it off? At a restaurant. Because I still believe in a civilized society where being polite matters.

Plus, being bald is sexy. At least this shirt say so. And shirts never lie.

Now, I understand if this a little too "hardline" for you. I understand I'm a stickler for etiquette. So, I will allow for some "keep the hat on" situations. Some.

1. Breakfast (but not brunch) - You hit up a diner, coffee shop, greasy spoon, you keep that hat right on. However, if it's a nice brunch, you better take that puppy off.

2. Casual Lunch - Going to grab a quick soup, salad, or sandwich? Cool in my book to keep the lid looking fresh.

3. Sports Bar - Obviously you can keep the hat on to support the colors. However, if you are wearing a non-sports hat to a sports bar, then we have bigger problems.

Okay, there is your full list. Every other situation, you better have that thing off. If not, I'm going to be your worst nightmare. That's right, I will negatively judge. Nobody wants that.

In all seriousness though, take the hat off, fellas. Have a sense of civilized humanity. It's the very least we can do, and I'm sure your date will appreciate that you have some semblance of manners.

It's alright to be polite. I think I saw that on a shirt once.