It’s Hysterical to Think Maine Has a Traffic Problem

There is nothing worse than bad traffic. It's unbearable.

On the morning or afternoon commute, a long road trip, or really any time in a vehicle, the constant stop and go can drive any person mad.

I always think of the opening scene of the classic movie Office Space when the film's protagonist was stuck in traffic and kept switching lanes to try and speed up. However, every time he did it, the lane he switched to wouldn't budge. That's miserable traffic, boys and girls.

Fortunately for us Mainers, we don't have bad traffic. That's right. There is no traffic here. And if you think there is, then you have no idea what real traffic problems are.

I know what you're probably saying right now, "Chris, you're lying. There is plenty of bad traffic here. How on Earth can you say otherwise?" Well, actually very easily. You know what I'll say it again.

Maine. Doesn't. Have. Bad. Traffic.

A five-minute wait on Forest Ave in Portland is not bad traffic. Sitting on 295 10 mins longer than normal is not bad traffic. Going through three or four cycles of a stop light before getting through is not bad traffic. Spending an extra 15 minutes trying to get through Wiscasset is not bad traffic. These are all minor inconveniences, not major issues.

You want a major issue? Try this on for size.

I have a friend who lives on the Beltway outside Washington DC. It takes him 90 mins EACH WAY to get to and from work, from just a handful of miles away. Just imagine driving from Gorham to Portland and having it take 90 minutes. Just kill me now.

You know what's bad traffic? Waiting over an hour to get through a tunnel only to wait even longer to get to work once through it.

Spending the majority of your day trying to get to a peninsula that only has one road in. Now that's bad traffic.

You want to know what else is bad traffic? This.

You still want to complain about that slow car in front that's forcing you to be late by 30 seconds? I didn't think so.

There are a few situations where traffic can show up in Maine, but it's very rare, so let's examine them.

Weekend Summer Traffic on I-95: This can get quite congested, especially when all those tourists leave Sunday evening. However, the EZ-Pass Quick Lanes have really made a major difference.

Accidents: These happen everywhere and are mostly spontaneous. This is more of a driver problem than a traffic problem.

Construction: It's always annoying, but also happens everywhere. Plus, it's not like the Big Dig is ever happening in Maine. Go spend a summer and New Jersey. You will never complain about Maine construction again.

And that is the end of the list. Boy, Maine sure has a traffic problem.

I understand it can be annoying to wait three more minutes to get home than usual. I can be very impatient, too. But Maine is far down the list of states with traffic issues. The fact that we complain about a slightly extended commute just goes to show you how Maine doesn't have a problem.

What it does prove is how entitled we all are, though.

Just sit back and relax. You will get to your destination soon enough, and well before my buddy gets home from work.