Maine Pony Stricken With Penis Cancer Raises More Money Than 7 Candidates for Governor
We all need something to believe in, you know? Richard the Pony is that something.
This is a story that can really only happen in Maine. Richard made international news this week when his shocking diagnosis was reported far and wide: Dick's penis was frozen, frostbitten, and cancer-riddled. He needed surgery to get a new one, and if he didn't... it was going to be a one-way trip to the big pony trailer in the sky.
Luckily, Mainers and all kinds of people from Away pulled together to support Richard in his desperate time of need. In just one week, he raised more than $4,000.00 for a new penis, and everything is looking up from here.
In a terrific turn of events, not only will Richard get the life saving treatment that he so desperately needs, but the Maine Commission on Governmental Ethics and Election Practices just released the public reporting for candidates running here in Maine this year. What does that have to do with anything? Well... we dug into the data, and as far as we can tell, Richard the Pony's penis replacement surgery raised more money than at least 7 candidates running for Governor this year.
No, this isn't a joke. More money was given to an elderly horse for a penis cancer treatment than several candidates were able to raise in an entire ethics reporting period.
I'm just gonna throw out some unsolicited advice to a few people who seem to be running for Governor... If you lose to a pony with a frozen penis in Bridgton, you can probably expect to lose in November. But hey, stranger things have happened, right?